What an evening that was, bed all week puking and you know what. Then up and out with two friends on a 100 mile plus drive across country to hear a well know (in the NLP world) talk about modelling, that’s what it was billed as anyway.

Resistance is always a massive clue  regarding what is ‘real’ for me, and when i say ‘real’ i mean ‘made up’. I was angry (  anger  is my front man for a fear lurking some where), mad even, feeling like puking, driving miles, spending nearly 30 quid and sitting here listening to an ill prepared talk from a ‘pant displaying’ teenager, who’s’ web site promised much and I am feeling dissapointed.

It happened in an instant, it feels like that is the way it works, you know the feeling if you have ever been gazing at one of the holligraphic pictures, all colours and muddle and suddenly you see it, cristel clear! I am seeing ‘myself’, the intense emotions i am having have nothing to do with him, they are all about me, he is acting like a mirror to me; and what did I see:

• Fear of failure
• Panic about being good enough
• Insecurity about my body and shape
• Hubris and inflated ideas about my ability
• Delusions about my ‘ground of being’ being one of loving kindness
• Delusion about there being a future

I was not ‘beating up’ on myself, the mirror is just a mirror.

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